When Your Marriage is Young and so are Your Children
My husband and I married on March 15, 2014, ready to welcome a baby into our family whenever the Lord saw fit to bless us with one. Imagine our surprise then when, on May 15 – our 2 month wedding anniversary – we found out we were expecting! Our daughter, Anna, was born two months before we even celebrated our first wedding anniversary. The transition to parenthood was a very smooth one overall, for Anna was a very laid-back baby who hardly ever cried and who slept like a champ.
The real challenge to our marriage began 22 months after Anna was born, when her little brother, James, made his arrival. James was as different from Anna in nearly every way. While Anna was never gassy and I could eat anything I wanted while nursing her, James was extremely gassy (and fussy!) until I discovered his egg and dairy intolerances and cut those out completely.
While Anna loved to sleep and was sleeping all the way through the night at 8 weeks, newborn James slept only in 45 minute increments unless he was being held. Even then, he would sometimes only go for stretches of a couple hours. This resulted in my husband and I hardly ever sleeping in the same bed together during those early weeks. When we did sleep together, we ended up co-sleeping with James for the first few months just so that we could get some sleep.
The gas, cries, food issues, severe sleep-deprivation, the lack of time alone with my husband (and therefore lack of intimacy!), the touch of postpartum depression I had for a time, and more – it all resulted in my feeling very separated and distant from my husband. It didn’t help that for the first couple months postpartum I hadn’t yet realized why James was so gassy, so Owen and I went without our monthly date nights because I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving such a fussy baby with anyone else. I had never felt so alone, so desperate to be with my husband, and yet so distant from him.
That distance led to my becoming easily frustrated with him, snapping at him, and finding it incredibly hard to find very nice things to even say to him. To be quite honest, I had largely forgotten the man I married, because through the postpartum haze, I had failed to truly focus on him and remember who he was as a person.
You can imagine how all of this threw me for a loop. After all, Owen and I had entered into marriage so willing and eager to welcome children into our family at any time because, after all, children were a blessing, right? What happens when children no longer feel like a blessing? What happens when, instead of enjoying a godly marriage and family life as you set out to do, you rarely ever act in a godly manner towards your husband because the issues with your son have been allowed to drive a wedge between you? What then? Do children cease to be a blessing? Do they actually become a curse? In those moments are children a burden rather than a blessing?
In spite of all the issues my husband and I experienced last year, my answer to that would, nevertheless, be “no”. At no point do children become a curse. The problem is not that children ever cease to be a blessing. The problem is that we have forgotten what a blessing even is.
Children are not a blessing because they are adorable and bring joy to our lives. They are a blessing because they are a lasting legacy that will affect future generations. Children are not a blessing because they give good hugs and sweet kisses. They are a blessing because they are used by God in our sanctification process. Children are not a blessing because they provide us with an easy life, because as all parents know – they don’t!
Children are a blessing because they provide us with some hardship in life, some trial – all of which is used by God to bring us closer to Him, to form us more into the image of Christ, and to lead us to the true godly marriage we all hope for – the kind of marriage where each spouse puts the other one first, where there is intentional time spent together and love shown, where husband shows affection and consideration to wife and vice versa.
What to Do When it Feels Like the Littles are Invading Your Marriage
With all that said, if I could sit down with you right now as you yourself are in a season of littles in your family and are trying to strengthen and protect your marriage in the midst of it all, here is what I would say:
Take heart; there is hope!
Now that James is 1 and he is finally sleeping through the night more (in his own in a crib, hallelujah!), I feel like we are coming out of the fog we were in for the majority of 2017. Whether you feel like this is the case or not, there is hope, sweet mama! The days will not always be this hard. Your marriage will not always feel like something you have to fight for and strive to focus on. It will become easier and more enjoyable again. I promise! As cliche as it sounds, this truly is but a season.
Prioritize your marriage!
I know you may be in a season with your littles where you feel as if the last thing you could possibly do is prioritize your marriage right now. I get that, but may I be frank with you? That’s the lie Satan wants you to buy into. He knows that a godly marriage provides the firm, sure, strong foundation your family needs. Your children need to see what marriage is meant to look like (the watching world also needs to see that picture of Christ and the Church!). They need to be provided the security that will be there when they know their parents love and adore each other and aren’t going anywhere.
Intentionally make time for date nights – either at home or away!
As soon as James was no longer fussy and gassy, Owen and I immediately resumed our practice of going out on monthly date nights. I highly encourage you to do the same! Even if you don’t have a reliable babysitter, do what you have to do to get time alone together after your little ones are asleep.
Sit on the couch and talk. Reconnect after a long day and share your hearts. Play a game or watch your favorite show. Read aloud together, play music and dance together, make your favorite dessert – whatever it is that you do doesn’t matter so much as long as are intentionally focusing on spending one-on-one time alone together as often as possible. You need this. This will be your anchor when the going gets tough in your parenting. Ask me how I know! 😉
Remember your children are a blessing; they aren’t ruining your marriage!
There is a lie in our culture today which says that children ruin marriages. Let me tell you – when you face a challenging season with one or more of your children, it can certainly feel that way sometimes. But it isn’t true. Children are still blessings – even on the hard days. Children are still rewards – even during rough times. The fact of the matter is this – children do not ruin marriages.
Spouses who buy into the lies of Satan and begin to listen more to him than they do each other are who ruin marriages. Spouses who lack intentionality, who allow walls to be erected, who snap at each other, who forget about each other and who the other person truly is that they married – ruin marriages. It is true that children certainly bring challenges to marriage. But it is up to us as husbands and wives to determine what will happen to our marriages during those challenging times. Because the fact of the matter is, we always have a choice.
In closing, if you are a mama reading this today who is feeling sleep-deprived, worn out, discouraged, and overwhelmed, I get it! I was you just last year! I know how hard it is. I know what it feels like to physically ache and yearn for the time in your marriage before you had kids. I still feel that way sometimes! But, sweet wife and mama, remember that even though things have changed and life feels harder right now, your marriage can be just as strong, beautiful, fun, loving, and enjoyable as it ever was. I promise! Our Lord is in the redeeming business and delights in the institution of marriage which He so lovingly designed Himself. So, take heart today! Marriage with littles is hard. But it can also be so good!
- 4 Things Priscilla Taught me about being a Biblical Woman of Influence - May 5, 2018
- When Your Marriage is Young and so are Your Children - February 2, 2018
- 5 Ways a Perfect Mom Pursuit Negates the Gospel - November 3, 2017
Parenting can exact a toll on a marriage and it takes collaborative effort to keep it together. Kudos on your effort.
Date nights are so needed!! One rule I like to implement from time to time is that we can’t talk about the littles while we are out. We have to focus on other things- us, our marriage, plans for the future, what we need from our spouse,etc. It can be hard but it is so good to do every once in a while.
Such great tips! I know my default is, Husband is an adult and understands so that means our kids should be a priority and then I’ll get back to him later, but I always feel so much better when we are regularly staying connected!
I really can relate to this. We found out we were pregnant (unplanned) a month after we were married, and we welcomed our second baby the day before our second wedding anniversary. It’s very easy to lose sight of the true blessing children are, but I can honestly say that I am truly grateful the Lord gave them to us when he did. He has drawn us closer to him through our children. Thank you for writing this!
I couldn’t imagine having children right after we got married. It took us a long time to adjust as a couple. And I don’t think we could have handled the stress and busy-ness of partnering
I could have written this! My first didn’t not sleep longer than 2 hours at a time until he was 13 months and I’m due a second one this year – they’ll be 21 months apart. I’m really feeling the strain on our relationship. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one. We do some of the things you mention already but will try to put more effort in and pray more specifically for our marriage.
Aww, you are most definitely not alone, Vicky! 💕💕 It’s a challenge, but there is always hope, because we always have the Lord. Praying for you!
Here’s another article I wrote, this mind on the transition from 1 to 2 kiddos. I hope you find it helpful! 💕
http://www.hargraveshomeandhearth.com/dear-mama-transitioning-to-two-kiddos/
Our marriage was mature when we had young children. I’d be exaggerating if I said we had worked through everything by then. However, it was easier to do one thing at a time!
I raised six children. Problems in a marriage fall squarely on the parents shoulders. I think you did a great job articulating truth in this post.
Marriage is hard work but worth it. It’s important that we make sure we do what we can to keep it strong…even with kids! Thanks so much for join us Alice!
That’s encouraging, Alice; thank you! It was a hard post to write, but something I felt needed to be shared.
Wow! this was such a great read! While I have been married for a little over a year now and do not have children yet, these are things my husband and I often discuss when we talk about our future family!
I’m so glad you enjoyed the post, Jeannette! I hope it was helpful. 😊
This is a great reminder even when you have older kids that keep you on your toes between school and extracurriculars and the rest of the things that need our attention. Marriage requires intentional work through every season!
Absolutely Julie! It is so easy for us to get lost in that busyness and then before you know it, we can see the effects of what not being intentional in our marriage looks like. We have to be diligent to work on it all the time!
Amen! I’m grateful to be learning that lesson now because as crazy as the little season is, I can only imagine how much crazier other seasons might sometimes be as the kids get older and are doing more things. Thank you for sharing!
That was great, You hit the nail on the head when you described in what way they are and aren’t a blessing. Thank you for reminding me that my child sanctify me. Tis just a season!
Thank you for the sweet note, Jennifer! 💕 I’m so glad you enjoyed the post.
This is a wonderful and honest post. Parenting is tough stuff. I am a special needs parent, and I know how hard it can be to like your child. Its worth it in the end. 🙂
Man, it’s a struggle sometimes, isn’t it?? That old sin nature is strong! lol Thank you for the encouragement! 💕
This is beautiful! We waited 5 years to have kids, but the transition was still hard. It is easy to fall in the trap of blame and frustration, but keeping each other first before kids definitely makes a difference! Love your story.
Amen! So, so important. Thank you so much for the sweet note, Erica! 😊
Amen children are blessings and you have to really see how it works for you and your spouse to spend time together.
So true!
This was great and a great reminder that challenges come with children but we can lean on the Holy Spirit to bring us through those difficult times. I love how you mentioned that the challenges of childrearing can be an opportunity for the Lord to show his goodness. My children are grown and I vaguely remember those sleep deprived days. I also remember how the Lord would bring grace in those difficult situations. Thanks for the post.
Thank you so much for the encouraging comment! Amen! God is so gracious to show us His goodness and love even in the midst of the hard times.
I can really relate to this! Our 2nd son spent 5 months only sleeping 45 minutes at a time, no matter what we did. It was awful and our marriage definitely suffered. I’m thankful that those months were only a phase and that God showed us ways to keep working on our marriage in spite of our reality. Thanks for this encouragement!
Oh my goodness! I definitely know how that is. My 3rd little guy really took a toll on us with his irregular sleeping. He was waking up every night up until about a few weeks ago. He is 3.5! When you are running on fumes, it is hard….
Man, there is nothing like that kind of sleep deprivation to bring out the worst in us and really challenging our marriages! But praise the Lord that He brings us through those times and grows and strengthens us in the midst of it all. Thank you for sharing! 💕