The Matter of “I Do”
Some of the synonyms used for the word marriage are union, alliance, united, and fusion. Although these words are small, they are powerful. Does the average American woman or man understand the validity or power of these words? Are married couples living in the “present” of their conscious “I Do” or are they living in the full realm of what lies just beneath the surface of commitment? Over the past few months, I have had many opportunities to find out how some couples see marriage.
I interact with people on a daily basis, both on social media and in person. Lately, the conversations have surrounded the subject of marriage. Old couples, young couples, newlyweds, and seasoned marriages appear to all have something to say about where America stands when it comes to the big “M”.
My husband and I married young which led to a host of unique challenges. Not only was he in the military at the time that we married, but his background was full of challenges seen throughout black America, including poverty and fatherlessness. However, I grew up with a different background which included a two-parent home and stability. Later, I moved away from my small hometown in southeastern Oklahoma to the state of Texas and we embarked upon the unknown journey of pursuing a Godly marriage. I can honestly say, my husband and I had no idea what we were doing nor did we have the maturity or emotional capacity to fully understand the decision we made. I cannot stress this point enough. We understood words like “husband” and “wife” and were equally intrigued by such words and the idea behind those words, but we had no understanding of words like “alliance” or “covenant” which is the foundation of marriage.
Unfortunately, we were not alone, and even now, the subject of covenant is a missing element within marriage. Many couples today are going through marriage like a reality show that we are entertained by on television. The idea of marriage is alluring, but the battle and warfare behind it are not.
Many couples today are going through marriage like a reality show that we are entertained by on television. The idea of marriage is alluring, but the battle and warfare behind it are not. Share on XCovenant is the very foundation of who God is and what His kingdom is about. All of the characteristics of our lives, including finances, raising children, ministries, and marriage, should all reflect the characteristics of God. This revelation is being exercised within me every single day. However, I was unaware of this when I was first married. The attributes exuded by my husband and I appeared to be that of children rather than two adults who were just married. Lol! Thank goodness for a God of second and third chances and grace that is ABOUNDING.
The Covenant
I believe an understanding of covenant is essential to withstand the challenges faced in marriage. Addiction, infidelity, financial crisis, and mental and physical illness are among those challenges and cannot be overcome without a man and a woman having a revelation of who God is and what covenant is. I’m talking to me as well, by the way. Perhaps, this is why the divorce rate in the United States is roughly at 50 percent. This is accompanied by a young generation who aren’t looking for marriage or commitment.
I recently came across an article from the Wall Street Journal. The article implied that the convenience of available sex and lack of emotional accountability and interaction is the culprit behind the number of young people that are not seeking marriage. I have to admit, I found it difficult to disagree with many aspects of the article. Are young people in America content with casual sex without the heavy lifting of commitment? Better still, do young people have a basic understanding of marriage and covenant? If not, I don’t see why they would desire the task of marriage.
The Battle
After our first year, we were about 99% sure we wanted nothing else to do with marriage. Our first year consisted of an intense roller coaster ride of depression, financial crisis, a health scare, neglect, and infidelity. It ended with a military deployment to Afghanistan which kept us apart for approximately 15 months. The second year, we lived in two different time zones. While my husband experienced 150-degree heat, separation anxiety, dysentery, and broken bones; I endured the death of my older brother and grandfather along with a significant relapse back into addiction along with the return of depression and suicide.
By the third year, we were bloody, battle weary and wondered why either one of us was sticking around. I can honestly say with passion and conviction: It was the pure, tangible grace of God that kept our marriage from total disintegration. It appeared at times that while we waged a natural war against each other, silent petitions for our marriage to survive was in our hearts, although these petitions were unbeknownst to each other.
We came to the “table,” and after laying everything on that table, we left it there. We saw each other in our filth, darkness, and naked sin, the kind of darkness within the soul that sends strong men running for the hills. There we sat. Neither of us moved, so we decided that perhaps we actually had something worth fighting for. Although we found new hope and faith to continue, both of us were unaware of the battles that were just around the bend. The inability to conceive a child and my husband’s severe PTSD plagued our marriage the third year and into our fourth year. One day, as I was using my time of prayer to whine to God about how horrible life was (LOL), He began to speak to me about covenant. He began to speak to me about the words that I uttered on my wedding day. “I Do”…
Did those words matter on the day of my wedding or every day? What was I saying “I Do” to? God began to demonstrate covenant to me. He showed me that when we say “I Do” to the man we pledge our love to, we are saying yes to his weaknesses, his addictions, his failures, his secrets, his dysfunctional family, his pain, his selfish nature, his arrogance and a host of unknowns. We are also saying “I Do” to a person being molded into what God intended for him to be from the moment he was formed within his mother’s womb. Obviously, the same applies to us and our husbands say “I Do” to every part of us.
This was a powerful revelation for me. It carried me through and still carries me today. God showed me that if I would hang on to this promise, I supernaturally possessed the ability to love my husband and remain steadfast in my “I Do”. Love only wins when we keep Christ as the cornerstone within the institution of marriage. Love only wins when we fight for it.
TheStoryofNell1986.com
- Love And War - February 14, 2019
- The Matter of “I Do” - February 14, 2018
This is so beautiful and needed in this world right now! So many people don’t understand the commitment a marriage really should be to each other.
I am LDS, and in our church when we believe when we marry in His temple under sacred covenants between Him and our spouse we are married for eternity, here on earth and beyond the grave. The word covenant isn’t really used anymore but it should be. It’s a promise with God that we will fight for whatever it is with all our heart. Isn’t that what marriage is all about? Sticking with each other through the thick and thin, no matter what?
Hi Sunni,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read the post. You are absolutely correct, covenant is a promise with God and this is often a missing concept of marriage, our devotion to each other AND our devotion to God. Many blessings to you and your family!
“He showed me that when we say “I Do” to the man we pledge our love to, we are saying yes to his weaknesses, his addictions, his failures, his secrets, his dysfunctional family, his pain, his selfish nature, his arrogance and a host of unknowns. We are also saying “I Do” to a person being molded into what God intended for him to be from the moment he was formed within his mother’s womb.”
POWERFUL words, Janelle! Convicting, powerful words.
Hi Sabrina,
I so appreciate you taking the time to read my post! I hope it resonated with your heart! I am reminded and convicted daily by these words. They are truly a testament to where we have been and where we are going. Blessings to you!!
This is a great read about marriage, there are so many false information and ideas about what marriage should be and very lillte about how complexe and hard it can be so when the hard times come they hit many people unexpectedly and tear them apart. thanks for sharing.
Hi Denise,
Thank you so much for reading my post! I hope you found it encouraging! Be blessed!
Beautiful! 🙂
Thanks for reading the post, Nora!! I appreciate it!
What a beautiful post about covenant! Loved this! We learn so much about God through our marriages! Powerful testimony sweet friend! xo Donna
Hi Donna,
Thank you so much for your encouragement! So glad you read the post!! Blessings, friend!
Marriage always sounds like a fairytale and that’s what the whole media has portrayed. But getting into the covenant part of it is challenging but the most healthy choice we ever make.
Thanks for taking the time to read the post, Ann! I truly appreciate it!
I have been sharing these stories with other men so that they can see the other side of things from a woman’s perspective. This testimony has me on the floor ……wow!!!! God bless yall for continuing on and thank you for sharing this!!! I just ran into a brother who shared some deep things concerning his marriage and I encouraged him and his wife to READ THESE POSTS! You all are inspiring others in so many places!!!
It is awesome to see that men are being encouraged through this marriage series! I love that! Thanks for taking the time to read my post! I pray everyone is being inspired by every single woman who has brought her message of endurance here. Be Blessed!!
Oh my goodness, Janelle, what a powerful testimony the Lord has given you through your marriage! I love your thoughts about what we actually are saying “I do” to on our wedding day: all of our spouse’s weaknesses and failures, as well as who he’ll grow into in the future. Powerful perspective! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you, Andrea! Your encouragement is received! Be blessed, friend!
Wow, truly God was at the center. I love reading how even through the difficulties of marriage, (and man did they have an uphill climb) they remained faithful to their promises, to God and to each other. So raw and real, this is life, this is what fighting looks like. I loved this post. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Hi Jen,
I appreciate your encouragement and I am so glad you read my post! Blessings!
Greatly written and inspirational. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you, Josephine!!
I’ve been married 31 years. Quite true that we marry for better or worse and that does mean our faults as well as our loves.
SO very true Jojo!
Hi Jojo,
You are absolutely right. I am so thankful for a God that shows us the path to victory in marriage. Thank you reading my post!
Hmm. I fully understand the word covenant and the promise they represent. I love the Lord God with all my heart. And I believe in marriage and all that it is about. I am going to state somethings that a lot of people that state “You stay married no matter what” have probably, in most likelihood never experienced. My mother was married to my Dad, who was an alcoholic…an abusive alcoholic. One of my earliest memories is of my dad trying to kill my mother….. he tripped over me or he would have gotten to her. I say this with full knowledge that not all are.like this….but my Mama stayed sooo long because the people of the church told her that her vows we’re forever and she had committed to him forever. Now, I am a believer and follower of Christ…..and I am going to say this once and be done. Be very careful as to what you print as in you accept him for all that he is and will be. Notbofenone moment do I believe that Jesus expected my Mama to stay in such an abusive relationship where he felt like he owned her. I know there are women who are just as abusive. Just be very careful, you have no idea who is reading this and trying to get courage to leave for safety. Or even repeated infidelity.
When we write things like this to encourage women to stay in a marriage, it is understood that we never expect them to stay in an abusive or dangerous situation. On the contrary, we encourage them to leave the abusive situation and find a safe place of protection. A relationship like that is not the kind of marriage that God endorses. Marriage is supposed to represent the relationship between Christ and the Church. When it falls so far short as to be dangerous, then it’s not a real marriage, let alone the covenant that God speaks about.
You guys definitely faced some huge life challenges very early on in your marriage! What a testimony it is that in the end, by the grace of God, you were able to maintain your “I Dos” and the marriage covenant. Going through tough stuff together will come in any marriage–it’s how we handle it that makes a difference.
Thanks Rachel!! So true!!
I love this post. I am in a relationship with a man I love and who loves me. But what about God? We both believe in God, and I have a very personal relationship with God. It’s harder for him. I ask my boyfriend to come to Church with me and watch sermons and read my daily devotional. Because I believe our relationship won’t be successful either just the two of us, but with God at the forefront.
Hi Aleah,
I am so glad you were able to read my post! I hope it ministered to your heart. Be blessed, beautiful!