A Submissive Wife: Is It What You Think?
As a baby Christian if anyone had asked me what biblical submission in marriage looks like, I would have stared glassy-eyed at the person while thinking “Ruh-rho, Maybe being a Christian isn’t for me after all.” Thankfully, being a Christian isn’t a sprint but rather a life long marathon. We don’t run before we walk and we don’t walk before we crawl. Each step we take is with our Heavenly Father, who knows we will stumble from time-to-time.
So, what do I think biblical submission looks like in a Godly marriage—almost two decades later?
I’ve come to understand submitting to my husband as the head of our home isn’t about leaving my brain at the front door. True biblical submission in marriage is about each person submitting themselves to God and in doing so their perspective shifts from me-me-me (the old nature) to the new nature we’re given when we receive the gift of salivation, which is found in Galatians:
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. Galatians 6:22-23 (NKJV)
Submission to God and to one another in marriage requires prayer, humility, and trusting the Lord, who has our best interests in mind.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you; says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.(NKJV)
The husband’s role of headship is exhibited by Christ, who focused on nurturing and protection versus dictatorship. As wives, when we remind ourselves nothing goes unnoticed by God; we can rest in His sovereignty, even though our circumstances may want to dictate otherwise.
Yet there is more to being a submissive wife!
In Ephesians 5:22, God reveals marriage is a tri-union relationship: God, husband and wife.
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. (NKJV)
Again, this doesn’t mean the husband rules over the wife in a dictatorship; for he is given an admonition to love his wife as himself just as the wife is admonished to respect her husband. In Proverbs, wives are provided examples of contentiousness and the results.
Submission does not mean that a husband rules over a wife as if in a dictatorship. Share on XProv 21: 9 It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman. And Prov 25: 24 It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman. (NKJV)
There is a reason the example of a contentious wife is mentioned on more than one occasion. In Proverbs, the contentious wife refers to one who tries to rule over her husband which is contrary to her role as a trusted adviser and one who works to ensure the best interests of her family and husband are met. A wife is to honor her husband not tear him down, which is what the enemy wants and works toward accomplishing by planting seeds of discord between husband and wife.
Prov 31:11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. 15 She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. 16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (NKJV)
Do communication issues impact your ability to be a submissive wife?
One of the most vital elements of marriage and is often the weak link in the relationship is communication, a fertile ground for the enemy. Talking about relational issues with your spouse can be challenging due to different upbringings, which in large part determines our individual perspectives. Fruitful conversations between husband and wife require time and attention. Extreme emotions often interfere with this process. Couples need to be mindful to speak to one another with respect. If this isn’t an objective on the part of each spouse then, conflict can arise and or needs remain unresolved.
When emotions begin to run high, it is important to use agreed upon keywords to diffuse instead of ramping up to an intensified conflict. When a conversation escalates between my husband and me, we’ve agreed to remind one another we’re being spiritually attacked and we pray—right then and there. While talking through issues is the imperative, the willingness to break an issue down into segments can help reach a resolution that brings growth, love and peace to the relationship. A couple’s involvement in a church based Bible study is also key to growing together in God’s Word and God’s plan for their marriage.
While talking through issues is the imperative, the willingness to break an issue down into segments can help reach a resolution that brings growth, love and peace to the relationship. Share on X
Wives, we have to remember being submitted to God and to our husbands doesn’t happen overnight. It is a process the Holy Spirit takes us through. If we think we can do it ourselves, we will experience a journey much like the Israelites, and I for one, do not want to spend forty years in a marital desert.
Instead of communicating to your husband that he must EARN your respect, give it to him freely and trust that God will grow him into the man that he is designed to be—by God. Ultimately we all want the marriage God promises us, and being submissive to God will lead to a Godly marriage others will desire.
- A Submissive Wife: Is It What You Think? - February 23, 2018
Excellent points, Ginny. It’s funny how we have believed misconceptions about submission. I’m thankful God is os gracious as to teach us His truth. Thanks for linking up with Grace and Truth.
Submission. -Such a scary word for so many (Christians and non) and truly not understood within the context of marriage. Thank you for your clearly spelling it out. The word shouldn’t be looked at like a big scary negative monster. Rather a lovely, growing, nurturing, maturing, walk with our Creator; keeping Him first in our marriage definitely is what we need to focus on. When we focus on God and His grace, it makes it so much easier to extend the same to our spouse.
Submission can be such a difficult topic. Especially in today’s society where a woman is expected and encouraged to forceful in all facets of her life. Once I better understood the word submission – sub = under + mission. Our mission as a Christian couple is to glorify God in all we do. The idea of who is the head of the household no longer becomes a source of contention when the focus is on doing God’s will.
Love your explanation of it! In our culture, it’s a word that connotes weak or letting someone walk all over another.
God’s definition brings happiness and a loving marriage where both spouses feel supported and loved!.
Love, love, love this!! It took me awhile to understand what biblical submission was as well. We got involved in marriage ministry early in our marriage and it has played a huge part in us keeping God at the center and understanding our roles.
Love this! Thank you for sharing this truth. A submissive marriage does not require either parties to be a doormat! Praying that our hearts may not shrink back in disgust when we hear the word submission because of the worlds’ definition but that we can stand in the knowledge of the true meaning.
Such a great post. The word “submission” is often portrayed as being negatively, but that is not the case at all. I love how you refer to the believer’s walk as a marathon, not a sprint. It is important to learn, to give ourselves grace, and to allow the Holy Spirit to bring us to the places we need to be.
Thank you for this post. Communication is such an important key in a relationship. Thank you for highlighting this. Also, you mentioned that the couple’s background is such an important factor in the submission question as well as the communication piece. Truly, marriage is not for the faint of heart.
Awesome Post! Our world has completely tried to redefine what marriage looks like. The Lord’s way is a loving, nurturing beautiful picture of a man and woman becoming one in Him. Blessings to you! ❤
What a great post! I feel like society so easily misinterprets and twists what submission actually looks like in a marriage. I love that she says it doesn’t mean a wife leaves her brain at the door.
Yes – communication is key. Many times though I know silence is also a “thing” with a woman. We can be quick to be right. God is the still quiet voice that reminds us.
This post was wonderful! I shared it on Twitter too. I feel like the subject of being submissive is often very misunderstood and I think that she explained it very well!