How to Stop Destroying Your Godly Marriage
I wish there were a way to show a before and after picture of marriage… but on the outside it all looks the same. Bud and I have an amazing before and after story. Our before was clearly a cultural marriage. After God stepped in and miraculously changed everything, we have a godly marriage.
Ephesians 3:20-21 (NASB) 20 Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, 21 to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.
I want you to honestly evaluate your marriage
Do you do marriage like the culture around us, or would you say you have a godly marriage?
I believe in being very transparent. When we lay all our cards on the table, God does big things. But when we hold back anything (out of pride or fear), the enemy has this foothold to lay guilt and shame and tarnish what God could do.
In that spirit, you need to know that this is my 2nd marriage. I married my first husband when I was 18. In less than a year, I was back at home, bankrupt, divorced, scared, bitter, and hurting more than I ever imagined possible.
God has taught me how to forgive the hurt and abuse of my past.
He showed me how to take forgiveness from a nice idea – I thought I could never actually accomplish- and He put practical steps to it with Biblical perspective… The freedom on this side is amazing.
I’d love to share my story of Finding a Pathway to Forgiveness. It’s yours free! (Just click the pic 😉 )
Divorce hurts in ways and places you never dream could ever hurt so bad. I imagine that is why God hates it so much. He loves us so much He never wants us to be in that kind of pain.
The memory of the pain of divorce kept me planted in this marriage – even through unbearable pain.
I remember the year our marriage hit rock bottom. So much had gone wrong and I just knew divorce was inevitable. But I was at the end of my rope – so I tried every last bit of advice I was given or read – and there was a lot of advice Y’all!
- Wear your hair for him.
- Dress in a feminine way.
- Don’t burden him with things as he comes home from working.
That sort of thing just galled me. I mean this is the 21st century… or is it still? Hmmmm.. anyway, mixed in with that were things like
- Appreciate him
- Admire him
- Respect him
- Tell him all those things
- Don’t be critical
As I began to practice those things -I saw a new man come to life in my husband.
The problem was – I was just acting. Those things were not really heart deep for me.
Until God planted a crazy idea in my heart to look in the bible to see what He says about Marriage- specifically a wife’s role within that Godly marriage.
Talk about being blown away by the practical everyday advice – that comes from a Heavenly Father who loves us so much He hates to see us hurt with divorce!
Through that study I was confronted with a hard choice.
If I wanted change in my marriage – I had to change.
If I wanted change in my marriage - I had to change. Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands. Share on XProverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands.
You see, I was destroying my marriage by pursuing all my preferences. My preferences were actually ruining any change of obtaining the things I desired in life!
Honestly, I am a control freak with pride issues. I want things done my way, the first time, no exception.
Some of My Desires are:
- To live in a loving marriage
- Being partners in parenting
- Sharing a united vision and path for our future
- Communicating openly as a couple
- Leaving a legacy to our Little Blessings -without divorce
My preferences include things like:
- How the dishwasher is loaded
- They way clothes are sorted and put away
- How often the grass is cut
- The way the TP is put on the roll
- How much time the kids watch TV
- The way meals are balanced
- and so many more…
Every time hubby did something in a different way – I would berate him for being so inconsiderate and thoughtless. And each time (through my actions), I told him that I didn’t respect him, wouldn’t accept him and he shut down.
By pursuing all of my preferences I was destroying any chance of reaching my desires.
Perspective Shift: There is more than one right way to do most things.
By acknowledging that we both had a preference about how to do things – I began to show hubby respect and acceptance.
As I showed him Respect this way – he began to show me love in real practical ways. This was a first step in changing everything for us. It literally stopped me from destroying my godly marriage – from the inside out!
Are you destroying your godly marriage from the inside out – like I was?
What are your desires?
Can you think of one preference to give up today?
Psst: The first thing I gave up was how often the grass got cut. Y’all, as I gave my husband freedom to do that his way (and in his time), I was able to appreciate him and admire him. It was a stepping stone to awakening his desire to step up and lead in our home. (I’d love to share more of that story as well as the path I took to change out cultural marriage to a godly Marriage – here)
I’d love to pray for you as you step out in faith today. Drop a comment below “Challenge accepted” so I can add you name to my prayer list!
- How to Create a Covenant Prayer for Marriage Protection - February 3, 2020
- 3 Obstacles to Overcome with Sex in a Christian Marriage as a Rape Victim - February 5, 2019
- 5 Ways to Be Sure You Are Not like Jezebel - May 7, 2018
challenge accepted
Praying for you now Andrea!
Please pray for us. Our marriage is in much need of mending. We are on verge of divorce that neither of us want we need God’s help.
oh no Brad. I am praying for you both. Are you seeking Christian counselling? I find myself talking to wives more often than not – who are the only one fighting. It is refreshing to hear from a husband who is fighting. When you both want to make it work, a councilor can work wonders. If it is just you alone, there are some amazing resources – John Townsend’s group at New Life can refer you to a Christian counselor in your area and get you started on the road to healing – if you need a starting point. https://newlife.com/
We are in need of prayer. Me and my husband have been at a tug of war for almost a year now. He’s moved out and doesn’t want a divorce. I’m trying my best to do all that I can for us. I’m praying, getting advice from older wives and we’ve even started marriage counseling. He’s just been so mean with his words that it’s pushing me away. We’ve been married for almost 10 years. Please help…
Hi Tekeka. I am so sorry you are in this situation. It is a hard place to be – separated. But I am praising God that reconciliation is possible. I get to mentor wives in similar situations all the time. I would advise you to hold on to God through this season! He is able to do amazing things. I will be praying for you. I have a 9 week course – for wives only – that has helped so many women to date… find hope and joy through the hard seasons of marriage. I’d love to share it with you. Shoot me an email when you see this (TiffanyMontgomery@hopejoyinchrist.com)
Challenge accepted ❤️
Praise the Lord and praying for you Angela!
Differences in methods really takes denying self. It’s not easy. I guess that’s why Jesus said to take up our cross daily. My flesh (and not to say humanness because that makes me want to use it as an excuse) wants to pitch a fit daily. I need Jesus more and more every day. So wonderful to read how God worked in your marriage. Thanks for sharing!
haha, yes I hear you about wanting to pitch a fit and have it my way. Great word – deny and take up the cross daily!
I love when a little perspective shift can help heal hearts. Thanks for sharing!
I find that is all I need sometimes… well other times God has to knock some sense into me… but sometimes 😉 So glad it blessed you Stacey!
Tiffany, you’d be surprised how many humans do the same thing. We’re all selfish about our preferences with husbands, children, and others.
Challenge Accepted – glad to have found you (your blog) through this series.
The thing about marriage is once the hormones of first love or in love stop, you have to face the person (not the one who courted you) you married without rose-colored glasses. This means someone who doesn’t do things the “right way”. LOL
BUT the blessing comes in working together to compromise and dance. Marriage is growth as a person and as a couple.
Have you read the Sacred Romance? Man that book really shook me. What if Marriage is about making us Holy… not happy. It really is making me more Holy Every Day!
So much truth and so encouraging! Thank you for sharing your heart, Tiffany!💜
So glad it blessed you Sabrina! Praying for you today and your ministry!