Pursuing a Happily Ever After Marriage in the Real World
I remember, as though it were yesterday, standing there in my satiny white wedding dress, my heart filled with hopes and dreams for my happily ever after marriage. At the time, all I was focused on was the handsome young man who stood in front of me, decked out in his black tuxedo with tails, crisp white dress shirt, and black bow-tie. As we stood in front of four hundred plus witnesses, we vowed to God that we would love each other through sickness and health, for richer and poorer, through the good and bad until we parted through death. He promised to love me as Christ loves the Church and I promised to respect him.
Looking for a Fairy Tale
That beautiful day was January 7, 1990, and as I write this we’re preparing to celebrate 28 years of marriage, all touched by God’s grace and held together by a commitment we both made to Him and to each other. From the moment we began our life together as husband and wife, we’ve had one struggle after the other intertwined with some of the happiest and most blessed times of our lives.
Returning home from our honeymoon, my husband found a notice on the door of his workplace saying that they went out of business — just that fast and with no warning. Our 2 bedroom condo endured more door slamming than I ever did growing up in a home with 2 sisters and a little brother. Honestly, I was shocked that we would argue and fight so much. Why didn’t he understand me? Why couldn’t we agree on everything? Didn’t he love me?
We had just vowed our love for one another in a beautiful marriage ceremony. We were newlyweds for goodness sake and every fairy tale I had ever read promised a happily ever after. What I determined shortly after the wedding day was that happily ever afters were just in the fairy tales.
As the years passed, I began to see how those fairy tales revealed a very powerful truth. In each fairy-tale, there’s an enemy, usually an evil witch or stepmother, who does everything in their power to get in between the couple and attempts to destroy their relationship. These fairy tale couples overcome evil through the power of their true love and the determination not to allow anything or anyone to separate them.
Our Real Enemy
The truth is, we have an enemy too, and our enemy hates marriages, especially those reflecting God’s design and plan. We would be wise to never forget that we don’t wrestle against flesh and blood (each other) but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 6:12) So, while my husband and I have had really amazing times, we’ve also had some pretty tough times. I’ll admit, some were of our own doing, some just because life is hard and some because Satan has done his best to separate us and destroy the vows we made to God.
On our wedding day, I would never have believed that I could love and hate this man I was marrying or that the man I loved could so easily expose the selfishness and hardness of my own heart. I’m convinced more than ever that marriage is more for bringing us closer to God and leading us to be more like Christ than it is about our own happiness and self-fulfillment. I may not be the best example and I certainly don’t have a top 10 list of tips for a marriage made in heaven. My advice comes from my own struggles, recognizing the sin in my own heart, and that of seeking and trusting the Lord for everything including my marriage.
Vows, Fights and Forever
Each anniversary, my husband and I thank God for being the One who not only brought us together but keeps us together and this anniversary will be no exception. When I was asked to contribute to this marriage series, I took a deep breath and said yes. I knew that I had something to offer but I also knew that writing a post about marriage would be hard. I entered into this knowing that writing about trusting God in marriage would bring about the potential for a spiritual attack on my marriage. I knew I needed to be ready but with the busyness of the holidays, I let my guard down.
I’m going to be completely transparent. My husband recently ticked me off and I allowed myself to get very angry. This doesn’t happen anywhere near as often as it used to, but it happened. I felt like he was being extremely insensitive and for some reason, I responded in anger. I was reminded of hurts from years earlier, hurts that I had already forgiven. I allowed myself to get worked up, to rehash everything he has ever done wrong and every fault he has. I didn’t want to talk to him, look at him or even be in the same room.
As I angrily lived through the days that followed, I remembered my deadline for this marriage post and began to wonder if I was under spiritual attack. I dismissed that notion and proceeded to be angry, after all, I had every right to my feelings. A few days later, I went to search for a video on YouTube for how to do something on my blog. What showed up at the top of my feed was a video titled God, Marriage, and Divorce. Are you laughing yet? I certainly did, I thought, this is just like my heavenly Father, to remind me that He is to be the center of my marriage. I watched the video, after all, I knew it wasn’t a coincidence. My husband apologized and I admitted that he wasn’t my real enemy.
Recognizing the Enemy
This may seem like a little petty disagreement but trust me when I tell you that we’ve been through a lot. We’ve learned a lot through our struggles. When one of us loses sight of our commitment to the Lord and our marriage, when we selfishly live without regard for the other, when we harbor unforgiveness in our heart and allow bitterness to take root, I’m so thankful to God that the other usually waits patiently, prays fervently, and seeks God on behalf of our marriage.
“The only effective way to fight in marriage is to pray.” Fervent, Priscilla Shirer
As we’ve spent these 28 years together, we’ve learned to recognize our real enemy, to get into the Word of God and seek His will and get a heart adjustment. In order to have a successful marriage, you need the infusion of God’s Word in your life. Being bathed and washed in the Word has the power to transform you and heal you more than anything else will. You can’t control or change another person, but you can allow the Holy Spirit to change you!
In order to have a successful marriage, you need the infusion of God's Word in your life. Being bathed and washed in the Word has the power to transform you and heal you more than anything else will. You can't control or change… Share on X
God can speak to and heal every difficulty and every circumstance! He helped us through our pain and loss when we miscarried four babies. He carried us through sufferings when our whole family became sick with chronic Lyme disease. God spoke through unexpected surgeries, marriage difficulties, and depression. He was there when our child suffered for seven years with mental illness because of tick-borne diseases, and when we persevered to homeschool through all of that. He provided through the financial strains, healed relationships, and so much more.
True Love
His Word speaks to us clearly and tells us to love one another, to forgive one another, to give preference to one another, to respect one another. My favorite passages are found in Colossians 3:12-20 because if we were to apply these scriptures to our lives, we would have marriages made in heaven.
Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering. bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another, even as Christ forgave you, so you must also do. But above all these things put on love which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. Wives submit to your own husbands, as is fitting to the Lord. Husbands love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. Children obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord.
Tending to Your Marriage
If you’re looking around at other marriages thinking the grass is greener on the other side, don’t forget how much work it takes to make it green. Equally true is that what you see in public is not always reality. We all do a great job of hiding our bad stuff and showing only what we want people to see. Quit looking around and start looking up and kneeling down before God. He is the one who changes hearts, who blesses obedience, and who ultimately keeps Christian marriages together.
I’ve seen miracles in marriages where couples, together, strive to honor God. I’ve seen miracles when only one spouse wanted to make it work. However, I’ve also seen God’s hand of mercy and grace on wives whose marriages didn’t work out because their spouse was living in sin and didn’t want to make it work. Either way, as wives – as Christian women – we can only do what God calls us to do and that is to live for Christ with humility and obedience. When we’re doing that, we’re forgiving the way He forgave us. We are loving by His power through the Holy Spirit and following His example, and we’re giving Him all the glory for His great works in our lives regardless of the outcome.
As wives - as Christian women - we can only do what God calls us to do and that is to live for Christ with humility and obedience. When we're doing that, we're forgiving the way He forgave us. We are loving by His power through the… Share on X
One Anothers
Remember how I said that I don’t have a Top Ten List? Well, God has a list and they’re called the “One Anothers”.
Love one another. (Mark 12:31)
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love, honor one another above yourselves. (Romans 12:10)
Build one another up. (Romans 15:2; 1 Thessalonian 5:11)
Live in harmony with one another. (Romans 12:16)
Serve one another. (Galatians 5:13)
Stop passing judgment on one another. (Romans 14:13)
Accept one another just as Christ accepted you.” (Romans 15:7)
Bear one another’s burdens, forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. (Romans 15:2; 1 Thessalonian 5:11)
Forgive one another as Christ forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. (Ephesians 4:2)
Encourage one another and build each other up. (1 Thessalonian 5:11; Hebrews 10:25)
Be kind, tenderhearted and forgiving toward one another. (Romans 12:10, Ephesians 4:32)
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:21)
Pray for one another. (James 5:16)
Respect one another. (1 Peter 2:17)
Comfort one another. (1 Thessalonians 4:18)
Minister to one another. (1 Peter 4:10)
Begin to apply these one another’s to your life, recognize your real enemy, and submit your marriage to God’s care and you will be blessed regardless of whether or not your marriage looks like you think it should. I believe we can have happily ever after marriages but our ultimate goal should be lives that honor God.
To encourage you to learn to live a life of hope and transformed thinking, I would like to offer you a copy of my newest e-book, Abounding Hope During Difficult Circumstances. I hope this e-book helps you as you learn to walk with God through whatever comes your way.
I'm a faithful wife & homeschool mom who found myself in the trenches with chronic Lyme Disease. My entire family would become sick with tick-borne illnesses and I often lost hope. God always drew me back and I discovered that it is possible to Abound In HOPE during dark times. I learned how my family and I could regain our health using natural medicine and quality food. On my blog, I share valuable information about tick-borne diseases as well as how to homeschool with chronic illness and encouragement for the journey!
Latest posts by Tricia Soderstrom (see all)
- Pursuing a Happily Ever After Marriage in the Real World - February 3, 2018
Allison, I’m so glad this encouraged you! I’ve always looked forward to the day when I could be the “Titus 2” mentor, even if that means through a blog post! xoxo Tricia
As a single girl, this is so encouraging to me! I love when older married women share their wisdom to help me refocus my expectations. Pinned to Pinterest!
Isn’t it awesome Allison? I was single for a long time and I loved the time I spent with married women. They imparted so much and for that, I am forever grateful.
These are such great tips! The enemy is real and has it out for Christian marriages! He will use whatever problem, mistake or fight to tear our marriages apart!
We need to cling to God and ask for His hedge of protection around our marriages!
Truly an honest and helpful post! Glad to be your neighbor at Susan Mead’s link up!
First of all … “HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!” ❤ …. 28 years is awesome! Such a real sweet testimony of God’s presence in your lives! I love how you created the “28 Days of Marriage, the journey through I do!”
I also love how you used the analogy of the wicked witch or evil stepmom and comparing it to the enemies efforts to destroy marriages. So true!
Like you said, marriage does take work and commitment with both spouses. God bless you and I pray that alot of ladies will come across your post and be encouraged in their marriages today!
XOXO Donna Miller
Thank you, Donna! I’m so glad you enjoyed this post. I’m a guest here and Angel is the creator of the 28 days. It is awesome that my 28th anniversary and her 28 Days of Marriage coincided. 🙂
OMG Tricia!! It sure did. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that until you said it!
The fairy tale expectation causes us to be disappointed, but in reality, God uses our spouse to bring about our own sanctification.
Yes it does! I think deep in our hearts most women want a fairy tale, happily ever-after marriage but the reality is that our focus should always be on God regardless of our circumstances.