What Happens When A Godly Marriage Doesn’t Go As Planned
A few years after the death of my first husband, I met my second husband through an ad. Contrary to many who seemed focused on someone “tall, handsome, fun and a good dancer”, my wishlist centered on character. I wanted a man who valued God, family, honesty, integrity and hard work. After only a few weeks of dating, I knew in my heart that he was also dependable and faithful. Because we both wanted to have children together and were in our late 30’s, we married 4 months after we met.
Our marriage has been challenged in many ways, including the difficulties of blending a family. My oldest daughter resented me marrying again and demonstrated that in many ways, including rebellion during high school and an unplanned teen pregnancy. It was a strain to balance loving my new husband and my children – it felt like I was walking a tightrope.
My husband and I agreed not to argue in front of the children but to discuss the issues when we were alone. We also agreed that I would handle most of the discipline since my daughters were used to me and my style of parenting but I listened to his input and perspective.
We started trying to have a baby right away, too, since my biological clock was ticking. I had no trouble conceiving – in fact, I was pregnant 5 times but I miscarried 3 babies. We were overjoyed when my son was born following the first miscarriage. Even my daughters were excited about their baby brother – until he toddled and began to explore their belongings. We shared the joy of new life, a baby uniting us all as a family. Since we were blessed with him we decided to add one more so that he wouldn’t grow up like an only child due to the age difference with his sisters. Following 2 more losses, we celebrated the birth of my youngest daughter. Keeping life interesting, my grandson was born just 11 months after my last daughter.
With my encouragement, my husband embarked on his own contracting business. He works very hard and keeps working even when in pain, extremely tired or in horrible weather conditions. I appreciate his dedication and desire to provide for our family, whatever it takes.
What I didn’t anticipate was that as my husband worked harder and spent evenings doing paperwork, his introvert tendencies would increase. He doesn’t acknowledge the need for self-care and balance so most of his time spent is working. I went to the majority of our children’s activities, sports, school programs etc. myself. He often prefers staying home to an evening out together because he is tired. This has been an adjustment for me, as I am a social extrovert who likes variety. Our children have grown to accept this is how he is and not feel rejected or resentful.
The Differences Between Us
This introvert/ extrovert difference between us intensified when my husband was impacted by 2 major illnesses. He has continued to press on, working while enduring pain, and also needing several medications. This has resulted in him being more withdrawn, not sleeping well and having less energy and interest in activities. It has affected his life and our marriage in every way. I went through a period of grief, mourning the losses and changes, and learning to adjust my expectations. Nevertheless, our desire is to have a godly marriage, with a threefold cord with Christ, and a commitment to love through better and worse.
Our guiding verse is: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 which says: Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
New Season
I adjusted for the most part and then entered the “empty nest” phase, after 33 consecutive years of children at home. I thought I would love the freedom and quiet (and I do sometimes) but I also missed their company. The children were a focus in my life so I miss doing things with them. It was another season of grieving, regrouping and defining what I need in my life to be OK.
I have drawn more deeply close to the Lord and seek Him for strength, comfort and fulfillment. Philippians 4:13 tells us: I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Intentionally pursuing friendships has proven to be a solution for my need of socialization and varied activity. I also began blogging, writing my first book and increasing speaker opportunities. I currently have started training to become certified as a Life Purpose Coach.
My husband and I hope to both be able to retire in a few years and live as “snowbirds” in our RV during the winter. We have a bucket list of places we want to travel to and hope to spend more time with our children and grandchildren also. I am sure I will always need other people in my life but I am grateful for my loving, dependable husband who allows me to be me.
- What Happens When A Godly Marriage Doesn’t Go As Planned - February 17, 2018
A sweet testimony to staying the course through life’s difficulties!
Thank you for a beauty and personal post.
Thank you Denise! I hope it encouraged you.