3 Obstacles to Overcome with Sex in a Christian Marriage as a Rape Victim
This post is not for the faint of heart – I advise caution. I am not politically correct nor do I plan to sugarcoat the harsh truth of my reality… the reality of 1 in every 3 women. Rape and sexual violence is a pervasive evil in our world. It has been since the beginning of time. It is something that needs to be addressed if we are ever to find victory and freedom. Today we will discuss how to embrace sex in a Christian marriage as a rape victim.
If you are a rape victim, I am sending you a prayer today.
First, know that I have not written this for years. I’ve deliberately set it aside because I can’t write about it without tears… so maybe get a box of tissue, read this alone… whatever seems wisest for you sweet sister. My name is Tiffany and I am a statistic. I am the 1 of the 1 in 3 victims of rape or sexual violence. Today, I will give voice to a side of that statistic we don’t talk about much. Rape is an attack that reaches it’s twisted black tendrils into every part of a woman’s life – for the rest of her life. The effects of rape are so hard to overcome and they affect every relationship afterwards.
The story of rape does not deserve this space – I won’t give him the satisfaction! But I will share a few details so you know enough of my story to understand the struggle. But I preface this post with a verse that had brought so much healing in my life.
Genesis 50:20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.
The attacks started when I was 4. I was a young girl with wild blond hair and a tender heart that longed to hug everyone. I didn’t know freedom from the prison of fear and pain until I was 11 and my attacker was no longer in my life… If I’m honest, I still struggle to know freedom…
Sleep is impossible. Even as an adult – far from his reach – I wake in terror that he is lurking anytime my husband reaches out to cuddle. Sex is unbearable. Happily married and through no fault of my sweet frustrated husband, I still cry and cringe when I am touched.
Rape respects no person and affects a Christian marriage.
I knew the extent of the damage before marrying my husband. He and I talked for hours before we even began dating. Mostly the talking was pleading by me.
You don’t want me. Honestly, I am damaged. I can never be a good partner for any man. I don’t like to be touched. Sex is painful in too many ways. I am a broken woman. Don’t waste your time with me.
He didn’t listen. If I were a better woman I would have just left and given up on men… I’ve thought about it so many times. Not that I think women would be better for me… just that it all hurts in so many ways.
When Bud and I married, he was not a Christian. He was an alcoholic. Our relationship was a crazy mess but God’s grace redeemed our story! I chose Bud. He was funny, loyal and honest about his flaws. Compared to my first husband – a liar, a cheat and a pretender – I thought it would work! But honestly, I thought I deserved bad men – because I was so broken.
Why was I so Broken?
Rape tears you apart at the soul and rips out even the chance of innocence and confidence. It destroys your trust and ruins your heart with its unrelenting fear. But God…
Ephesians 2:4- 6 But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;) and hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus
Have I mentioned that I grow up in a Christian home? My parents love Jesus.
The church was my safe place. No one hurt me there. They were kind, compassionate and smelled like peppermint and aftershave. I love each and every one of their sweet silver heads for teaching me about Jesus. In the midst of the darkest nights, I learned that God loved me. God didn’t stop the rape. He didn’t rescue me as I begged Him too. But God loved me. Jesus didn’t see me as broken or damaged goods. When God looks at me, He sees His son – righteous and holy – and loves me like His own daughter. I am a princess – a daughter of the King of kings.
God’s love changed my story from Rape Victim to Free Woman – Victorious in Christ!
Counselors, psychiatrists, and medication are part of my life. They all help in their way, but nothing took away the label, the shame, the self-contempt I struggled with until I had it out with God. I’m talking about a real-life war, battle the issue out man to man, not giving in until You tell me why, kind of having it out with God.
I was angry with God for not stopping the rape. If you can imagine it
- At 19, I had miscarried 3 babies.
- I was divorced.
- I had driven away every relationship.
- Fear never left me.
- I blamed God for not stepping in to change the horrors of my childhood.
He said I had to forgive. I said He was crazy! And I walked away from Him, the church and anything religious to prove Him wrong. Can you relate?
Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail,But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
God relentlessly pursued me.
He made me miserable in my rebellion. Jesus wooed me back to Him over the course of 2 years. (Read about that here)
When I married Bud, I still had not learned what it meant to forgive my attacker. I was a rape victim.
- How could I forgive my family for turning a blind eye?
- Could I forgive God for not stepping in to stop it all?
- What about my babies?
- Could I forgive God for taking them from me?
- How could I forgive the church for not helping me when I needed them?
- I didn’t know how to forgive my ex-husband for feeding the lies about how unlovable I was.
- Could I forgive my husband for wanting more from me sexually than I was capable of giving?
So much to forgive… and I felt broken, raw, unlovable and ill-equipped… not enough…
Slowly and painstakingly, God and I walked through a pathway to forgiveness. On the other side of forgiveness was freedom. I had no idea the depths of bondage I had been living in. Can I share that story with you in this Free Ebook?
Freedom from the pain of the past opened up a road to victory in my present. I was finally able to talk to my husband about the past in a real way that affected our present sex life.
Rape – child molestation – means sex can hurt even in a Christian marriage.
I don’t know your rape story, but mine happened in childhood while my body was growing and developing. The doctors noted the deformities and misshapenness of my body early in life. I remember my first pap smear – the doctor asked me how many sexual partners I had to cause the muscle collapse and denting. Sex is painful. No amount of physical therapy or yoga for relaxation has helped reset the muscle memory there.
How do we embrace sex now – despite the pain from rape?
1. There is an open dialogue about sex in my home.
I praise God that my husband listens when I say “That hurts, can we stop” but it took years to feel like I could say that. Years of feeling terrified anytime he looked my direction for sex – because of the physical pain. If you haven’t had open conversations with him about the rape, do it. Do it scared, but do it. The first time we talked about it – really talked – the lights had to be off and I literally left the house for hours immediately after. That gave him time to vent and get it out of his system.
I didn’t want to relive it or answer questions about it. After that, it was easier to explain that it hurt when he touched me that way or on that part of my body or whatever.
2. There are boundaries in my home about sex.
It’s not fair to either of us, but there are boundaries around what we can and can’t do in bed. But setting those boundaries really helped me get over the fear and enjoy sex… not the act really, but the bonding of it.
Why are there boundaries? Sex triggers memories. No amount of counseling has stopped the onslaught of memories that come when I am touched sexually. They call it PTSD and fear conditioning. My brain associates sex with pain and fear. How on earth do you retrain your mind when the formative years trained it this way?
I had to teach myself that sex – in a healthy marriage, from a man who would never hurt me – is okay. I used Philippians 4:8 to help re-condition my mind about sex (Read about that here). Replacing each lie (I’m broken and damaged, no one could love me, sex is bad, sex is painful, all men are monsters, God abandoned me, etc.) with truths from God’s word has allowed me to receive healing.
3. We put sex on the calendar.
Now listen, I know this is not romantic and goes against the culture’s idea of sexy, but it has created so much healing for me.
- When I know we are going to have sex, I can get myself ready for sex.
- I can work on my thoughts, mentally prepare for the battle that is coming.
- Scheduling sex also ensures that sex happens.
- If it were left to me, we just wouldn’t ever have sex. That would be bad for us and go against Scripture.
- If it were left to him, we wouldn’t have sex either because he doesn’t want to hurt me and sex hurts me.
Scheduling sex is a great tool to help the rape victim embrace sex in a Christian marriage.
Honestly, your path will look different than my path, but sweet sister please keep searching for the right path! God loves you. There is a way to healing and freedom from rape. You can overcome the fear, pain and shame from that crime. I would love to pray with you and over you as we end our time today.
2 Corinthians 4:8-18 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;… So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I lift my sweet sister up to you today. Evil has touched her life. Indescribable pain that no one should ever face has been allowed into her experience. I pray for your healing touch, anoint her with the healing balm of Gilead. Surround her with your peace that surpasses all understanding. Comfort her and spread your joy throughout every area of her life.
I am speaking freedom for her.
Teach her how to walk through the steps of forgiveness. Uproot the bitterness and resentment that are destroying the relationships in her life. Bring healing and restoration in her marriage and friendships. Surround her with a loving community of women who will walk with her, love and accept her and be with her as she heals and grows.
Give her a new love for her husband. Help her take down the wall that separates them emotionally and physically. Prepare his heart to hear her story, respect her, love her and embrace her the way you love the church. Give them tender conversation and loving words. help them find a way to embrace sex as the loving connecting gift You created it to be. We are giving you all the glory for the victory in her story – even this moment – praying, believing and united in the name of Jesus. Amen.
- How to Create a Covenant Prayer for Marriage Protection - February 3, 2020
- 3 Obstacles to Overcome with Sex in a Christian Marriage as a Rape Victim - February 5, 2019
- 5 Ways to Be Sure You Are Not like Jezebel - May 7, 2018
Tiffany, sweetie, this was hard to read. I’m so very sorry. At times, it was as if you were telling my story. You and I share more than our blood connection. It is a long road. It is with the child and later, adult, every day and in every way. It weaves itself into every relationship, friendship, casual acquaintance, and sense of self because it is part of the fabric of who we are. As we grow in Christ, the fibers of our relationship in Him replace and repair the broken fibers of our past. God fights for us and makes is strong! I love you! ❤️
Amen to that. Love you too Aunt Phyllis!
The statistics are staggering and back that up. It is so unbelievable how much shame and guilt we feel though. My prayer is this gives someone the courage to speak up and seek help.
This is so powerful. Thank you for being open to share your story. May God continue to bless you in your marriage. I feel like all women need to really read this because even if they are not victims of rape. They know girls and women who have been raped, and this gives so much insight into how we can go to God for healing!
Tiffany, thank you for being real and vulnerable. There are so many women who need to hear about the hope and healing found in Jesus. I have had friends who experienced the same tragedy of rape during childhood and they are still recovering from it too. Very tender but much needed testimony. Thank you so much…
This really touches so many of us. When we speak out it gives others the courage to seek help.
Tiffany, Thank you for being so vulnerable. I’m so sorry for all of the pain and abuse you’ve endured but SO proud of you for using your story to help equip other women who might have nowhere to hear these healing words.
That is my prayer Bailey.
Wow. Thank you for your boldness and bravery and vulnerability in this post. I am so sorry you had to go through that. You made a lot of really great points that I plan on using.
Praying for Leah. Thanks for commenting.
Thank you for sharing so openly & gracefully on such a sensitive issue!
Thanks Maray.
Thank you for sharing your story and giving Hope to another woman!
Hope is the word I was praying would shine through. Thanks Julie.
Tiffany! What a brave and awesome woman of God you are!! Thank you so much for sharing your story! I know this will bring freedom and healing to so many! Shared!
God gave me the strength years ago to open up about this and I’ve found it helps so many and robs the enemy of a victory. Thanks for sharing!