A Godly Marriage, In Sickness and In Health
After an evening of intense fellowship with my husband, or in other words sharing of harsh words, he finally looked at me and asked, “Why do you stay married to a man who is sick and is only going to get worse?” In that moment I could only repeat the question back to him. “Why does anyone stay married to a person with a chronic illness?”
Silence fell in the kitchen. What more could be said? The quick answer could be because I love you, but sometimes you reach a point when the quick easy answer won’t communicate the deepness that is needed. When I my head collapsed on my pillow that night I cried out to God, I need your help in answering this question. I need you to reveal to me how I can address the fears of both of our hearts. How do I have a godly marriage through this situation?
What more could be said? The quick answer could be because I love you, but sometimes you reach a point when the quick easy answer won't communicate the deepness that is needed. I cried out to God - I need your help in answering this question. I… Share on XThrough Sickness and in Health in a Godly marriage
Caregiver was definitely not in my thoughts for the decade of my 40s. I guess I had that young naive thought of Ron aging beautifully when I agreed to marry him. Sometimes you just have to give thanks that hindsight is 20/20. Now I juggle two paths of how to be his wife and caregiver. When I get to be in the wife role, Ron is healthy and able to do things. We can divide and conquer house chores, the needs of the kids and problems that arise in any family situation. But when I have to be in the role of caregiver, it is I making all the decisions, doing all the chores and juggling medical situations.
My heart is ever so affected by the role changes. The hardest thing I have ever been called to witness is the stealing away of quality of life. Watching him not have enough energy to get off the couch or having sharp pains with every breath; pains me to core of my being. Often I have to harden my heart in these times so I can focus on exactly what he needs.
All my life I have battled with having a hard heart and a wall around my emotions. I had a rough upbringing that included divorced parents, foster care and being on my own since 16 years of age. But there are moments, I give thanks for that wall! I can offer care to him and not just curl up in the fetal position unable to cope. It seems that battling life on my own as a young adult has somehow prepared me for this moment.
Walking in Health looks Different for Us
When the pendulum swings back to better health and my husband’s desire is to serve, conflict shortly follows. You would think I would be relieved to have help. However, I have streamlined our lives for me to handle everything, much like a single mom, widow or military wife does. Then I don’t know what responsibilities to hand back over. How long will he be healthy and then the responsibilities come back to me? My mind screams for continuity for my sanity sakes but it would be ignoring the need my husband has as the man of our family. God please give me wisdom and let me see him as you do.
In one of the moments in between bouts of illness, I asked him to come up with a list of 3 things he could always be responsible for. First on his list, make Saturday morning breakfast. I am sure you are aware of the number of details required to run a house, homeschool children and work. Saturday morning breakfast wasn’t a big deal and nowhere on my list. Of course I wanted to scream how does that help? How does that take anything off my plate?!
Sickness has allowed me to see opportunities.
After I calmed down from wanting to throw plates at him, I looked at the heart of his request. I realized he knows the basic need for the kids to eat, but more so he would have a chance to cook favorite meals and connect with the family. His desire of love and being needed was greatly communicated in that task.
Knowing this, I eat waffles, burnt, raw or cooked just right. This isn’t about a delicious breakfast but about staying connected to my husband and supporting him in connecting with the children.
Perspective shifts to the bigger picture to help me keep my sanity. I don’t focus on the surface level. Instead, I look deeper to what his heart is trying to communicate while his brain is being affected by lack of oxygen.
I read this quote by Lysa Terkeurst a few months ago.
Love isn’t what I have the opportunity to get from this world, love is what I have the opportunity to give.”
She nailed it on one of the aspects — you stay married in sickness! Oh, the opportunities I have to give.
At the end of this journey I want to be able to praise Him for walking me through this hard situation. I don’t want to get lost in the “why did this happen” I want to be able to glorify His name.
- A Godly Marriage, In Sickness and In Health - February 27, 2018
What a great post! Thank you for sharing! I’m a single mom and my husband is a teacher, so once a year we go through the whole “how does he fit into our daily home life” struggle, albeit a bit differently than you do. Thanks for reminding me to see the true desires behind his request.
Powerful testimony and encouragement. Thank you for sharing!
Wow. Thank you for being so honest about your journey and encouraging my marriage.
Oh Stacey, my heart goes out to you and at the same time I identify with so much of what you’ve said. The walls that I put up in order to keep going! I pray that God strengthens you and is your ever present help!
Ah, my heart goes out to you. Such a hard place. We’re a special needs family so I understand about intense caregiving responsibilities but I dread the day that it would be one of us. I hope you have some good local support!
This hits so close to home. My husband is a cancer survivor, so I have been in the role of wife and caregiver. There were many times I had to call out to God and the beautiful thing is that He met me every time.
Beautifully written post!
What a great post! A marriage is something you constantly work with!
I remember oh so we’ll how my marriage changed when I got my leukemia diagnosis. It broke me to the core and forced my husband to take on so many roles he never had. I cried a lot and asked a lot of questions, but it ultimately made us so much closer and grew us both up. It’s definitely strengthened our relationship with God and each other.