Eating the Fruit of a Godly Marriage

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After pulling an all nighter the night before with our 2-year-old twin boys who were not feeling well, I dragged myself out of bed at 5:30 a.m. to spend a few minutes with my husband before he left for work. It was the usual morning chit-chat as he got ready:

Me: “How did you sleep?”
Hubby: “I slept okay. You?”

Me: “I had weird dreams. I woke up a bunch last night, too.”
Hubby: “Sorry!”

Me: “Are we going to finally work on the budget when you get home tonight?”
Hubby: “I don’t know. Maybe.”

I kissed him goodbye and went about my day filled with playdates, parks, lunches and naps. Later that evening while we were cleaning up the dinner dishes and clearing off the table, I asked again, “Do you want to work on the budget now?”

“Later,” he said, “after we put the boys to bed.”

We played with the boys, watched a little Veggie Tales, and did our usual bedtime routine. We kissed them goodnight, and no sooner than my husband stepped out of the room did I ask once again, “Do you want to pull out the budgeting stuff?”

“Jewels, I had a really hard day at work, and I’m exhausted. Can we do it this weekend?”

Disappointed, I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. We were living paycheck to paycheck, and I had been asking him to work on a budget with me for months. I wasn’t asking him to paint my toenails or to watch Anne of Green Gables with me. I was asking him to do something for US so we could live better lives and make better decisions with our limited resources.

Didn’t he want me to feel secure? Isn’t that what a husband is supposed to give his wife? Security!? Instead, I was hurt. I felt stuck and helpless to bring about any change whatsoever. I felt angry — and dare I say it was righteous anger.

And…I felt justified in how I was feeling.

Two Trees in a Godly Marriage

That’s when the Lord asked me, “Which do you value most? Your RELATIONSHIP or being RIGHT?” I didn’t know the two were exclusive. Why couldn’t I have both?

When God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, He also placed two trees in that Garden. He told them they could eat the fruit of any tree in the Garden, except for the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Why? He said in Genesis 2 it was because when they ate from that tree, they would certainly die.

Do you ever wonder why eating the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil was forbidden? I mean, it says the knowledge of good and evil. Don’t we want to be able to distinguish between good and evil? Isn’t that the point?

The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil or the Tree of Life

By eating the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, we became sin conscious. We became aware of sin in ourselves and others. God never intended for us to live sin-conscious lives. His longing was for us to live in deep, intimate and unhindered fellowship with Him and to enjoy life abundantly. The greatest commandment is to love the Lord our God with our whole heart, mind, soul and strength! The second is like it: To love our neighbor as ourselves.

To live sin-conscious lives is to constantly be weighing people’s actions and determining if they are good or bad. A sin-conscious life tallies all the good we’ve done and all the bad we’ve done at the end of the day. We become acutely aware when people are doing it right or wrong. As a black and white, prophetic thinker, this was a difficult concept for me to grasp. There is truly more gray in life and a godly marriage than I care to admit.

(***Please KNOW I am not referring to outright abuse or safety issues within a marriage.***)

All I knew was my husband was wrong and I was right. It was as plain and simple as that. Or was it?

What Does This Have to Do With a Godly Marriage?

Early in my marriage, I was often critical, judgmental and basically a real pain in the butt. Our marriage was filled with strife and contention. Rarely would a day go by that I wasn’t upset about something. I’m embarrassed to even admit that now, but it was reality for us. We didn’t have what I thought a Godly marriage should be.

Our arguments revolved around small things like him forgetting to take out the trash and big things like not creating a budget with me — and everything in between. It didn’t matter. My reaction was the same: indignation and anger–maybe even yelling and a curse word thrown in here and there for good measure.

When I was in bed listening to him snore like he hadn’t a care in the world, I subconsciously did my tallying of what he did or didn’t do. GOOD or BAD? An empty trash can means that he took out the trash like said he would=GOOD. He forgot to run by the store like I asked=BAD. He did a load of laundry without me asking=GOOD. I didn’t get a call from him to let me know he was going to work late and wouldn’t be home for dinner=BAD.

At the end of the day, his balance always leaned heavily on the bad side—at least in my estimation.

How the Tree You Choose Impacts a Godly Marriage

That’s when God told me my issue was not whether or not we lived on a budget or if I was justified in being upset with him for forgetting to take out the trash…AGAIN! That was just a symptom of a deeper problem. My issue was my critical heart. I was eating the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Instead of taking my heart to God and asking Him to bring about the change we needed in communicating about our finances, I was taking matters in my own hands. I would nag, plead and withdraw when hubby wasn’t doing it right. I was creating more of a mess than actually helping resolve the issues.

There is a Different Tree!

The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil tallies up all the good things and all the bad things done and not done, said and not said. The Tree of Life seeks to be a life-giving spouse in my actions, my words, my thoughts. I began to value my relationship with my husband more than being right.

Again, I am not advocating being a doormat and not confronting sin when necessary. I am saying there is a way in which to do this that values a Godly marriage in which two people seek the highest good for each other — not the need to be right.

In your marriage, which tree are you living? We don’t have to live sin-conscious lives. We can leave that to the Holy Spirit. If He chooses to use us in that way, great. But that’s not our primary responsibility in our marriage.

Are you living in the Tree of Life where there’s mutual edification, love, harmony and a spirit of oneness? Or are you living in the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil where there’s strife, contention and pride? It’s not too late to build your lives around the Tree of Life: Jesus! He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.

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Julie Holmquist

Julie and her husband, Giff, have been married for almost 20 years. They have four boys (yes, four) who keep them very busy. Julie is an author and also blogs at Stuff of Heaven where she shares how God is moving in her life and encourages the hearts of other women.