Eating the Fruit of a Godly Marriage
After pulling an all nighter the night before with our 2-year-old twin boys who were not feeling well, I dragged myself out of bed at 5:30 a.m. to spend a few minutes with my husband before he left for work. It was the usual morning chit-chat as he got ready:
Me: “How did you sleep?”
Hubby: “I slept okay. You?”
Me: “I had weird dreams. I woke up a bunch last night, too.”
Hubby: “Sorry!”
Me: “Are we going to finally work on the budget when you get home tonight?”
Hubby: “I don’t know. Maybe.”
I kissed him goodbye and went about my day filled with playdates, parks, lunches and naps. Later that evening while we were cleaning up the dinner dishes and clearing off the table, I asked again, “Do you want to work on the budget now?”
“Later,” he said, “after we put the boys to bed.”
We played with the boys, watched a little Veggie Tales, and did our usual bedtime routine. We kissed them goodnight, and no sooner than my husband stepped out of the room did I ask once again, “Do you want to pull out the budgeting stuff?”
“Jewels, I had a really hard day at work, and I’m exhausted. Can we do it this weekend?”
Disappointed, I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. We were living paycheck to paycheck, and I had been asking him to work on a budget with me for months. I wasn’t asking him to paint my toenails or to watch Anne of Green Gables with me. I was asking him to do something for US so we could live better lives and make better decisions with our limited resources.
Didn’t he want me to feel secure? Isn’t that what a husband is supposed to give his wife? Security!? Instead, I was hurt. I felt stuck and helpless to bring about any change whatsoever. I felt angry — and dare I say it was righteous anger.
And…I felt justified in how I was feeling.
Two Trees in a Godly Marriage
That’s when the Lord asked me, “Which do you value most? Your RELATIONSHIP or being RIGHT?” I didn’t know the two were exclusive. Why couldn’t I have both?
When God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, He also placed two trees in that Garden. He told them they could eat the fruit of any tree in the Garden, except for the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Why? He said in Genesis 2 it was because when they ate from that tree, they would certainly die.
Do you ever wonder why eating the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil was forbidden? I mean, it says the knowledge of good and evil. Don’t we want to be able to distinguish between good and evil? Isn’t that the point?
I don’t think it is.
The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil or the Tree of Life
By eating the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, we became sin conscious. We became aware of sin in ourselves and others. God never intended for us to live sin-conscious lives. His longing was for us to live in deep, intimate and unhindered fellowship with Him and to enjoy life abundantly. The greatest commandment is to love the Lord our God with our whole heart, mind, soul and strength! The second is like it: To love our neighbor as ourselves.
To live sin-conscious lives is to constantly be weighing people’s actions and determining if they are good or bad. A sin-conscious life tallies all the good we’ve done and all the bad we’ve done at the end of the day. We become acutely aware when people are doing it right or wrong. As a black and white, prophetic thinker, this was a difficult concept for me to grasp. There is truly more gray in life and a godly marriage than I care to admit.
(***Please KNOW I am not referring to outright abuse or safety issues within a marriage.***)
All I knew was my husband was wrong and I was right. It was as plain and simple as that. Or was it?
What Does This Have to Do With a Godly Marriage?
Early in my marriage, I was often critical, judgmental and basically a real pain in the butt. Our marriage was filled with strife and contention. Rarely would a day go by that I wasn’t upset about something. I’m embarrassed to even admit that now, but it was reality for us. We didn’t have what I thought a Godly marriage should be.
Our arguments revolved around small things like him forgetting to take out the trash and big things like not creating a budget with me — and everything in between. It didn’t matter. My reaction was the same: indignation and anger–maybe even yelling and a curse word thrown in here and there for good measure.
When I was in bed listening to him snore like he hadn’t a care in the world, I subconsciously did my tallying of what he did or didn’t do. GOOD or BAD? An empty trash can means that he took out the trash like said he would=GOOD. He forgot to run by the store like I asked=BAD. He did a load of laundry without me asking=GOOD. I didn’t get a call from him to let me know he was going to work late and wouldn’t be home for dinner=BAD.
At the end of the day, his balance always leaned heavily on the bad side—at least in my estimation.
How the Tree You Choose Impacts a Godly Marriage
That’s when God told me my issue was not whether or not we lived on a budget or if I was justified in being upset with him for forgetting to take out the trash…AGAIN! That was just a symptom of a deeper problem. My issue was my critical heart. I was eating the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.
Instead of taking my heart to God and asking Him to bring about the change we needed in communicating about our finances, I was taking matters in my own hands. I would nag, plead and withdraw when hubby wasn’t doing it right. I was creating more of a mess than actually helping resolve the issues.
There is a Different Tree!
The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil tallies up all the good things and all the bad things done and not done, said and not said. The Tree of Life seeks to be a life-giving spouse in my actions, my words, my thoughts. I began to value my relationship with my husband more than being right.
Again, I am not advocating being a doormat and not confronting sin when necessary. I am saying there is a way in which to do this that values a Godly marriage in which two people seek the highest good for each other — not the need to be right.
In your marriage, which tree are you living? We don’t have to live sin-conscious lives. We can leave that to the Holy Spirit. If He chooses to use us in that way, great. But that’s not our primary responsibility in our marriage.
Are you living in the Tree of Life where there’s mutual edification, love, harmony and a spirit of oneness? Or are you living in the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil where there’s strife, contention and pride? It’s not too late to build your lives around the Tree of Life: Jesus! He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.
- Eating the Fruit of a Godly Marriage - February 13, 2018
What an amazing analogy, and so true for marriage! This has definitely given me another perspective and one I can actively put into practice in my marriage! XO
Wow thank you for this! The part about looking at the intentions of the heart really spoke to me.Sometimes actions don’t meet expectations but the intention is just as important!
Yes! I seem to judge people more by their actions than their intent, but I expect the opposite from them. Not fair! 😊
I love this post! I think this can apply to any relationship in order to glorify God! Will pin for sure.
So convicting! Thank you for the excellent reminders.
Absolutely! I’m glad it ministered to you. We need each other in that way, don’t we?!
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is very timely in my life of late. I know it will help my readers on the #LMMLinkup. I look forward to reading more of your series.
I’m so glad! God knows what we need to hear and when. So thankful for that!
Great post Julie! Don’t you love it when the Lord speaks to your heart?! I have learned that my relationship is definitely more important than being right. I have learned that as well. Thank you for your transparency and for sharing your heart with us.
Absolutely! Yes, I love the Lord’s sweet conviction. He is the best marriage counselor! 💜
I think that a great marriage has two participants who are not focused on being right but instead focused on doing what is best for their marriage and their beloved,
So true, Elise! It’s no longer YOU and ME; it’s US! Great word!
That is something the Lord is working on me in all my relationships, not just my marriage. I need to focus on the relationship more than me being right! TY for your beautiful post! ❤
It’s sometimes a difficult pill to swallow. That’s for sure. My personality type really likes to be right!!!! But I have to always ask myself, “But at what expense?!”
Julie, my toes hurt, girl!!
While I don’t lash out at my husband as much as I used to, However, if I”m honest, I still find myself making that good/bad list. And I withdraw. I really needed this to expose my heart. Thank you for taking hard truth!
Well, when the Holy Spirit starts to meddle, He makes it all hurt so good! And Friend…I’ve lived (and am still living) the message. The struggle is REAL…and worth it!
So true Julie! I know what you mean about thinking he is just living care free while I was worrying about all the important things in our life… the budget, raising the children well, etc. It’s interesting how men and women deal with stress and pressure. After we had our breaking point experience – Bud shared with me that his way of dealing with the pressure was avoiding it… It still is his way, but now that I understand that I can approach him differently when I am stressing over it… and I can pray for him knowing he is feeling the pressure… I always feel like our stories are so similar!
Yes, Tiffany! I feel like our stories have always been similar, too!
It takes a lot of strength and character to accommodate our husbands in a way that they’ll receive from us. But it’s something I have to do if I truly want to be heard!