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Forgiveness in a Godly Marriage

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“For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health,” we have all recited years ago with stars in our eyes, never dreaming we will need to exercise forgiveness in our happily-ever-after years.

We focus on dreaming together, raising children, and managing our money. We read books and go to seminars. As we learn about communication and working through conflict, we hear often about forgiveness. Of course, forgiveness is a key to a godly marriage. Forgiveness sounds so simple, so Christlike.

If forgiveness is so simple, why do so many couples bring up old hurts and offenses when they fight? Why do we feel pain so deeply over offenses that happened years ago?

Unforgiveness can grow over time.

Jill and Jack loved to ski so they take vacations every February to Colorado. This past February, they had a delightful trip until their fourth day on the slopes. When Jill slipped and fell while they were skiing, Jack teased her about her lack of athletic skill. Jill refused to talk to Jack the rest of the trip, nursing old grudges from their days on a co-ed volleyball team in college. Jill was struggling with unforgiveness.

Sally was always spending money and it drove Sam crazy. He tried to understand her compulsive spending and make excuses for her. Still, he was consumed with anger. He just couldn’t forgive her overspending.

How can Jill and Sam forgive their spouses?

Often, we are unable to forgive because we don’t know what forgiveness is. Instead of forgiving, we try to make excuses for bad behavior. You see, forgiveness is not about making excuses or trying to understand why your spouse does what he, or she does. Forgiveness is about cancelling a debt.

Cancelling a debt? Yes. Let me explain.

 

How do you begin to forgive?

The process of forgiveness actually begins by acknowledging that someone has sinned against you. When someone sins against you, they are “in debt” to you. They may owe you money if they have stolen from you. They may owe you an explanation if they have lied to you. At the very least, they owe you an apology.

When Mike and I were first married, if he did something wrong, I would make excuses for him. “Oh, he didn’t mean to be late. I know he told me he would be back at 5 p.m. and it’s 8:30 and he’s still not home. He just….”

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He did the same thing for me when I spent money even though we’d agreed to talk about things before spending money. He would make excuses for me.” She didn’t mean to. She just forgot.”

One day, we realized that we were playing games with each other, ourselves, and the Lord. By making excuses that we didn’t even believe anyway, we were opening the door for frustration to build up. And, boy did it! One of us would finally reach our limit and BOOM! We’d explode.

Everything changed when we simply acknowledged our sin before God and one another. “I blew it, Honey. I told you that I’d be home by 5 and didn’t keep my word. Will you forgive me?”  “I should have talked to you first before I bought those rubber stamps. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?”

Not only did it help us grow in our relationship with the Lord, it made it so much easier to forgive.

To forgive means to acknowledge that your husband, or wife, has sinned against you and owes you something, but you will cancel the debt. Forgiveness is all about cancelling a debt.  In Jill’s case, she acknowledges that Jack owes her respect as an athlete and an apology, but she cancels that debt. Now, he owes her nothing.

Have you forgiven?

How about you? Are there things in your heart that you are holding on to? Is your spouse in debt to you for past offenses? Can you cancel his, or her debt?

Canceling a debt is such as simple way to walk in forgiveness because once a debt is cancelled, it is cancelled.

It is over.

Next time your spouse offends you, don’t make excuses for him, or her. You should acknowledge that you have been sinned against and that you are owed something—at least an apology.

Purposefully, choose to cancel the debt you are owed. That, my friend, is forgiveness.

Every marriage needs more forgiveness because as flawed human beings, we sin against one another.

How do we cancel the debts we are owed?

To put everything in perspective, we must look at the One who has loved us enough to cancel our debt.

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Jesus took care of it all.

We owe a huge debt to the Lord because of our sin. Indeed, we are guilty. We deserve hell. While we were still God’s enemies, Jesus died for our sins on the cross and rose from the dead, conquering the power of sin and death. Once Jesus rose from the dead, He could cancel our debt. We were declared, “Not Guilty!”  Our huge debt was demolished, wiped away.

Like the king in Jesus’ parable in Matthew 18 who cancelled the servant’s debt, our Heavenly Father cancelled our debt. Our debt to God is HUGE in comparison to the debts other people have to us. Knowing that God has cancelled our debt, makes it easier to cancel our spouse’s debt.



As you walk through hurts in your marriage, remember that you are loved and your debts are cancelled. This will make it easier to cancel the debts of those who sin against you. Just don’t try to whitewash sin. Call sin what it is and recognize that those who sin against you, owe you a debt. Then, cancel that debt.

What glorious freedom is there for those whose debts are cancelled and who cancel one anothers’ debts!  God bless you in your marriage adventure.

Meredith Curtis
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22 Comments

  2. I never thought about it as “being owed something” and to cancel that debt. Lovely way to think about though and letting it go because it’s been cancelled is key!

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  3. Angel, Your words always challenge me. Thank you for the encouragement to show my husband the same forgiveness that’s been extended to me.

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  5. Amen. So much freedom in letting go and “cancelling debts.” So grateful for Jesus who cancelled our debts, and makes it possible for us to do the same for others. Thanks for sharing, Angel and Meredith. Lovely to connect. 🙂

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  6. Cancelling a debt, interesting way of looking at it. My mother always says you can’t give what you don’t have, that’s why other people don’t always reciprocate the way we think they should.

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  8. “To forgive means to acknowledge that your husband, or wife, has sinned against you and owes you something, but you will cancel the debt.” That’s a great definition!

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  9. As a single person, it’s always refreshing to read about the realities of marriage – of being sinned against and of sinning against another person – and one you love deeply. It’s a sobering reminder that marriage isn’t a “fix-all” or perfect, but that it’s two imperfect people coming together and loving one another the best they can as they pursue Godliness and Christ together. Thank you for sharing this!

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