How to Find Hope If You Can’t Forgive Yourself
One woman couldn’t forgive herself, and that made her thirsty. I understand.
The woman at the well is more like me than I want to admit. She was living with a man who wasn’t her husband…me too.
In her culture, living together before marriage was far more disgraceful than it was for me, nearly two thousand years later. But I still struggled with shame and embarrassment over my sin, just like she did.
In John 4, we learn that this thirsty woman visited the well in the middle of the day. She didn’t want to hear the whispers and feel the cold stares from the married women. The women who had gotten it “right” the first time.
She knew she was wrong. But they didn’t know her story of desperation and fear.
And until now, few know mine.
Why I Couldn’t Forgive Myself
I grew up a child of divorce, which left a giant deficit in my love tank. My trust in men was broken. Even though I desperately wanted a boyfriend to fill up my love tank, I was frozen in fear when I started dating at age 15.
My handful of dating experiences didn’t end well. I closed myself off during my senior year in high school and didn’t really date again until I met my future husband in February 2000, five years later.
I met him after a perfect storm that had been brewing for 22 years. Have you heard the acronym HALT before? Too Hungry, Angry, Tired and Lonely…those are signs you need to HALT and not make any forward movement until you get help. Unfortunately for me and for him, I was way past the limits in all four areas, desperately thirsting for love.
We met in February, moved in together in June, and were married in November. I couldn’t believe the person I had become during that 10-month millennial whirlwind. The one always called “Miss Perfect” in grade school, goody-two-shoes, church girl, and graduate of a Christian college was now a sinner with a capital S. The S hung on me like a bright red scarlet letter.
Someone told me I was “fornicating” during that time, and that God wouldn’t bless our upcoming marriage because we were living together.
They were wrong, SO wrong. But at the time, the comments plunged me into discouragement.
I had committed the “ultimate” sin in my book – sexual sin. The same sin that broke up many marriages in both our families. The sin that had caused me decades of hurt as a child of divorce.
I couldn’t forgive myself for what I’d done. I shut myself off from God’s grace, because I knew I didn’t deserve it.
But the spiritual desert I put myself in made me even thirstier than before.
The loneliness inside our new marriage shocked me. I thought marriage would be the cure to loneliness and hurt! Wasn’t marriage supposed to be better than living together? Disillusionment sapped my strength only two weeks after our wedding.
How God Helped Me Forgive Myself
In January 2001, I entered the counselor’s office in a deep depression. Those counseling sessions began a long process of forgiving people who had hurt me and forgiving myself for making mistakes. Just like the woman at the well, I had to learn that only Jesus offers living water that truly quenches my thirst.
About eight years into our marriage, I read Kevin Leman’s book The Pleasers (now out of print). He explains how living together before marriage “precludes” intimacy. He tells how couples who lived together often struggle to find intimacy in marriage, especially the wives, as compared to couples who did not live together before marriage.
This fact unlocked understanding for me. I had to accept the facts about what I had done to unknowingly short-circuit intimacy in our marriage. But I couldn’t afford to keep focusing on the past. I needed a new plan for moving forward.
Around the same time, I began an in-depth study of the book of John at my church. The story of the woman at the well in John 4 fascinated me.
If the woman at the well could find true satisfaction in Jesus, so could I!
I had to start with forgiving myself for the mistakes I had made. With help from my counselor and through daily Bible study, I began taking steady steps toward forgiving myself. These steps brought greater peace to our marriage, because I was no longer yearning for my husband to fill all my needs. As I allowed God’s grace and love to pour into my heart, He filled me up with living waters that satisfied my thirst.
How Jesus Ministered to the Woman at the Well
I believe the woman at the well learned to forgive herself for her sins. This is the process Jesus walked her through on that amazing afternoon described in John 4, and He will walk you through it too, friend.
He took an uncomfortable route to find her. (John 4:1-6)
Jesus had to go through Samaria to get from Judah to Galilee. Jews didn’t associate with Samaritans, but Jesus wasn’t afraid to go into this area. He knew this woman would be there, and He wanted to meet with her.
He spoke to her first. (John 4:7)
Jesus is always speaking to us. We don’t have to go searching for Him. He is patiently waiting for us to listen to His loving voice. Jesus wants to help you forgive yourself, and He’s already speaking to you about it.
He met with her one-on-one. (John 4:8-9)
This simply wasn’t done in their culture. Jews didn’t meet with Samaritans, and men did not meet with unmarried women. But Jesus was willing to bend cultural rules because this woman’s soul was at stake. He knew she would open up in private but not in public. Jesus wanted to show her that her secrets were safe with Him.
He offered her living water. (John 4:10-13)
Jesus always offers us more than we dare ask. She was simply coming to get water for cooking and washing. She knew she’d have to come again and again, struggling to avoid the shame each time. He offered her something totally different than what she was expecting, and much better than she could imagine. His promise included eternal life, something only He can offer.
He didn’t hide from the truth. (John 4:6-18)
Jesus was the one who brought up her live-in arrangement. He didn’t bring it up in a condemning way. He spoke the truth in love. This is what He spoke to me through His Word and through The Pleasers book. He showed His omniscience, which inspires awe and humility. But He never spoke a single word of shame over her, over me, or over you.
He shared a great blessing with her. (John 4:21-25)
When the woman asked spiritual questions, Jesus provided marvelous spiritual answers. He affirmed the fact that He is the Messiah with her–what an honor! If we seek Jesus for truth on spiritual matters, He will share abundant truth with us.
His words changed her life. (John 4:28-29)
The woman was so excited by this powerful news that she left her jar at the well and went straight into the village. Earlier in the day, she was cloistered in shame and embarrassment. But Jesus’ words of life quenched her thirst, and she boldly proclaimed God to the very people from whom she had been hiding. His words drenched her soul in forgiveness, truth, and grace. Her life was forever changed for the better because her soul-thirst had been quenched.
Jesus' words of life will quench your thirst. His words will drench your soul in forgiveness, truth, and grace. Your life will be forever changed. Share on XThe changes in her life inspired others. (John 4:30)
The people came “streaming” to the village to see Jesus after the woman’s testimony. Don’t you love the water imagery in this passage? The new streams of living water flowing in her heart overflowed to others, and they streamed toward Jesus. I’m hoping my testimony today does the same for you, and I pray the God-ordained changes in your life will inspire others.
How Jesus Will Help You Forgive Yourself
You can take practical steps to learn self-forgiveness with Jesus’ help. Here are the steps that helped me.
- Study God’s Word every day. The Holy Spirit will heal you through scripture. Make a point to drink it in a little at a time every day. I enjoy using the One Year Bible format.
- If you are haunted by past sexual sin, confess it to God. Be honest with Him and with yourself. But don’t stay stuck in the past. Meditate on Romans 8:1, remembering there is no condemnation for you. This verse will help you forgive yourself.
- Use a concordance (online or print) to look up verses on God’s love. Personalize the verses with your name. Let God’s love fill you up so you can stop looking for it in others.
- Read quality Christian books on improving your marriage. I offer recommendations in my difficult marriage series. These books helped me heal from my many childhood wounds so I could be a better wife.
- Seek Christian counseling. I spent over five years in counseling to heal from my issues. Even though the sessions cost thousands of dollars, they were well worth it. I wouldn’t have experienced recovery from my issues without it.
- Attend church and get involved with a small group. Nothing compares to live Christian fellowship. Let the body of Christ minister to your needs. Small groups helped me grow in faith and relationships.
- As you grow, God will send people to you who need to hear your story of healing. Follow God’s prompting to open up springs of healing waters in someone else’s life.
I pray these steps will help you forgive yourself the way God helped me.
- Why I’d Marry My Opposite Again - February 6, 2019
- How to Find Hope If You Can’t Forgive Yourself - May 23, 2018
- Hope for the Spiritually Mismatched Marriage - February 11, 2018
Thank you for this post it is so helpful to me, Sarah.
Your openness in sharing your thoughts on this subject are calming.
So pleased I found your blog I will be dropping by frequently.🙏
Christian women need words of hope to remind us that grace is bigger than all our sin. Blessings to you Angel and Sarah and thank you for this testimony to a big God.
Thank you for sharing your story and encouraging others, Sarah. The thing I’ve discovered in life is that when we draw close to God on a daily basis, it helps us with our most important relationships. I’m a stubborn, opinionated gal, and my hubby can be equally stubborn and opinionated. But filtering my words through God’s love keeps me from saying things I don’t need to say.
Thank you for the inspiration to let go my unforgiveness of myself over issues. I struggle with this same are too. Thanks for sharing on the #LMMLinkup this past week.
Hi Mary, I’m so glad my post inspired you! Blessings to you, friend.
Thank you, Sarah; thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Your story is inspiring and spreads hope. I was truly blessed by reading it. Thanks for all the practical tips in forgiving ourselves. May God continue to bless your ministry for Him. And thanks, Angel for sharing Sarah’s story here. It was a pleasure visiting your site.
Hello Carlie! Thank you for your kind comment. Blessings to you, my blogging friend!
Sometimes, we forget that God forgives us even when we cannot forgive ourselves. Thanks for this WONDERFULLY INSPIRING post!
Your comment is a blessing to me, Deirdre! I’m so glad it inspired you!
I needed to read this today. I believe through Jesus my sins are forgiven by God. Forgiving myself…different ballgame. Thank you for this!
Hi Shannon, praying that God’s grace will cover you today. Blessings to you!
Thank you for sharing this story. I love the story of the woman at the well, but this has given it new life for me. I appreciate your story of forgiveness.
Hi Jenny, I’m so glad you gained new insight from my post. Blessings to you!
What a raw and vulnerable story to share! You are a brave woman, and I am inspired by your honesty. You’re right – forgiving ourselves is usually the hardest thing to do. We have to come to the place where we realize that holding on to guilt is, in essence, putting ourselves above God – if He forgives us, who are we to hold a grudge and constantly condemn ourselves? Thank you for sharing your heart and for offering hope and advice to women who may be in the same shoes you were walking in years ago.
Hello new friend. I appreciate your honest and encouraging comment. I have struggled with condemning myself for decades, but God has set me free. I hope other women will know He will do the same for them! Blessings to you.
Sarah, I love your transparency! We all have our shame story, and the most beautiful part is that Jesus meets us one on one like you said . He meets us on our way to quench our earthly thirst .
He fills us with the Living Waters
Praise the Lord !!!
Diana, thank you. Yes, we all deal with shame, whether it’s about sexual sin or other hidden mistakes. I’m so glad Jesus meets our thirst with his eternally flowing waters. Blessings to you!
Sarah, thank you for being so transparent and even vulnerable here. So, so many women cannot forgive themselves of past sexual sin. I pray that God continues to bless your marriage! You are an inspiration to others!
Hi Brina Lynn, I agree, it’s hard to forgive such a personal sin, but Jesus can set us all free from it. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement!
Thank you! I need this in my life. It’s so true!
Hi Tia! Glad you were blessed today. May God’s peace be yours!
This is beautiful and wonderful. THANK YOU for being bold and sharing your testimony. “I shut myself off from God’s grace, because I knew I didn’t deserve it.” – I think that this is one of the most frequent lies that the enemy tells us, and this sentence perfectly describes where I was five years ago. I see a lot of myself in your testimony, and I’m so grateful that we both now recognize God’s grace over our lives. <3
Hello Jordan. I am blessed by your comment. Yes, the enemy speaks lies over us, but Jesus destroys them with his powerful truth. May God’s peace be yours today!
This is beautiful encouragement here, Sarah. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I appreciate you. I loved that list of ways that Jesus reached that woman (and reaches us).
Thank you Betsy. I gained so much insight from the story, and I’m glad God led me to share it here.
Bless you for sharing the truths of your story, Sarah. Our pasts are parallel roads, and I know so many Christ-following women who still struggle with shame over the sins of their pasts. You’re speaking words of truth directly into the hearts of those who need to receive the healing forgiveness of Christ’s sacrifice. I pray these words will touch hearts and impact lives. And may you sense God’s pleasure as you offer your words and your life so that others might know his power!
Thank you Stacey! Your prayers and kind words mean so much!
Love this post filled with sweet transparency and hope! It spoke to me and I pray it will touch many other ladies today! Blessings … ❤
Thank you Donna! I am praying the same 🙂 Blessings to you as well.
Thank you, Sarah, for doing the hard work of sharing your story, but, even more, I love the way you wove it into the hope Jesus holds out in that biblical account.
Blessings to you as you continue to do the personal work of living in the light of grace.
Thank you, Michele. It took bravery to share, but I am praying and hoping many women trapped in this bondage will experience new freedom from the truth of the Gospel through my story. Blessings to you too!